loving even the worst of me…

So, some of us take much longer to get a hang of things.Like we hold on to things and people way longer than really is necessary.Somehow hoping and praying the situations will change,long after someone has made it clear that they no longer want you in their lives,either verbally or through actions. I recently found myself in this not so pretty situation.

You have a guy you have loved forever and then when it just seems like things are getting together something happens and you lose them.Without really knowing what exactly you did.And so you go insane and become their stalker,literally.You call and text and inbox and them until i think you prove to them why they really need to be away from you. You don’t do it because you are a stalker,you are just trying to understand where it all went south and those who know me will know I do not know how to handle silence.It kills me.

So i went out with all guns blazing and boy didn’t i shoot at him and then it started dawning on me that he doesn’t want anything to do with me and as much as i feel like he owes me an explanation,clearly to him i was not worth even just that.And so my heart has been bleeding and any time i hear his name i just want to die a thousand deaths.And i have been trying to forget him.To let him go.Of course the number is deleted that it is stuck in memory.And so i find myself sending texts and calling just to hear the phone ring!

OMG! the love madness bug bit me and i am suffering it’s poison.I have truly been a fool and me denying it doesn’t make me any less of one.I do not like the low levels i have gone to but i do not understand this thing called love that just comes in and takes control of all your senses.

I am tired you know.Of the memories and hoping and praying and wishing.His life is moving on.He is happy im sure,and here I am still stuck in this rut and holding on to the memories of yesterday that truly hold no water.And I have been acting all triple C.Cool Calm and Collected,yet inside me there is a storm happening and it feels like i will explode at any time and I am tired.I wanna let him go;let the illusion of us go because it will never be.I want to cry my eyes out and let go of all the hurt and pain that i feel in my heart.I want to be free of this spell that seems to have been bound on me.I want to get myself back.To not wait because today i have realized the wait is in vain!

And i am one of those people who is not very good at being weak.I’m not very good at showing my weak side.I always think no one can really handle that side of me and so it is always easier for me to put up a front and keep everyone else at bay.I am imperfect and i have flaws and i don’t always have it together.I am ashamed for taking it too far with my following up this guy who i totally loved.It is embarrassing but i have learned to accept my faults as a person and embrace every part of me;even those i would rather not talk about.

So Westlife,’s fool again,has never made so much sense before.And I am not proud of what i have done,in terms of terrorizing someone’s son(gawsh). I am actually sorry and I have learned my lesson; just because i think i expect something does not mean i will get it.Like expecting an explanation?And so probably I will cry this evening.I think I need to.And I am not saying I will be all together perfect come tomorrow,but i think healing starts with acceptance and I am ready for this.I am ready to move to the next chapter.I accept that i loved and lost and that it hurts like God knows what.I accept that how I handled the situation was a bit uncouth and that I can do better,just need to understand we are different.I accept that i will not always have things go my way no matter how hard i pray and hope.At times they are just not meant to.I accept that I got hurt real bad and i think i had not seen how that would happen hence the depth of the scar.And I am choosing to love all these parts of me.

I’m done.



7 thoughts on “loving even the worst of me…

  1. One day when it is right for you….there will be no wondering or trying to pass any tests…it will just be…all you dreamed of and more…so these along the way…enjoy them…learn from them…and move on….

    and then of course when you are feeling low…..shop….

  2. So sad really..totally feel you on this one.Read somewhere that when someone breaks ur heart,cry a river,build a bridge then cross it.Easier said than done i say but hey..its worth an attempt..been there..done that and girlie it was the most weakest season of my life.You know what they say..time is the best healer.It will get ‘better’ in time.
    And when all is said and done it all boils down to these simple yet POWERFUL words:LIFE GOES ON.So go on girl…U’ll be fine.Yes you can yes u will.

    • hi darling.thank you so very much for these words.it feels good receiving advice from someone else and yes i like the cry a river build a bridge then cross it and i found where my weak link was.i was looking for an explanation.more like i thought he owed me an explanation then it hit me that he reserves the right of access to his life and so if he does not want me in it,he only needs to shut the door on my face but he owes me not an explanation.he does not need to tell me why.I know i would.i always have explained myself to people and why i do what i do,maybe it’s a good thing maybe it’s not but i was reminded that people reserve the rights to how they live their lives and who they live it with.lol.it’s amazing how,every experience in life has a lesson in it,if only we sit still enough,we will always grasp it soon enough and i think once we get the lesson,the experience gets better.so,yes,today i’m smiling and it is from the heart and not to say I’m all healed but im on my way and i will walk that way with a smile,not tears.
      thank you again.

  3. Wow, so much I can understand here. I hope you can find your answers within yourself and keep it always. For me, it’s always up and down. One day I think I’ve moved on and then the next day…. well you know.
    God bless

    • i hear you Scott and isn’t it annoying when that happens?when you think you have it together only for something to happen and you find yourself back to step one.what i think is every experience we go through is a test and unless we pass the test,and this is by getting the lesson,it will always come back and we will never be free of it.it has been a number of weeks of roller-coasting but i think yesterday i got it.my lesson was in knowing that no one owes me an explanation of why or what they do with their lives.if someone decides to explain themselves,smile but don’t expect it.i also learned i am vulnerable.very.i have always seen myself as the untouchable,lol but this experience has shown me something different.maybe there was an aspect of pride.of thinking ‘you can’t just walk away from this!too hot!’ but the one i would have wanted to stay is the one who proved to me that i need to humble myself.a difficult lesson but well…i am glad that something good has come up out of it,like flowers growing over a loved ones grave.find your lesson, pass the test and you will be free.thanks for stopping by! 🙂

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