Once an Ex… 30 days| 30 letters

Disclaimer!!! Why would I want to write a letter to my ex? Anyway, I picked up the challenge; gotsto soldier on…

Darling Ex boyfriend,

I know. I finally can talk about without tears or wanting to commit murder. That is how much I have grown. I am no longer the girl who allowed you to manipulate her simply because she wanted you to stay with her. My Lord, the things I compromised all in the name of ‘But I love him and he loves me’. I am a hopeless romantic and in all honesty, I believed love is enough but reality smacked in the head and now I know otherwise. Maybe it works when you both love each other, but is it really? I know the Bible talks about love enduring all but at times I think this is agape love the Bible talks about; at least when I look at you and me.

I have always known I am beautiful, so that’s not where you got me. It was in the not believing in how awesome I am, which goes beyond skin beauty. I was a mess, and no I am not trying to fault you for having taking advantage of me at my lowest because I allowed it. In my head, I honestly loved you. I could have jumped into the Atlantic Ocean for you (pun totally intended). But it honestly felt like I could. I guess that’s why they say love is blind.In this case, it is crazy…lol. But seriously, I was a mess and it is nothing you or anyone else could have done much about. I was scared of facing my demons and so a bad relationship looked better than no relationship at all. I needed someone else to make me feel good about me; not knowing how temporal that truly was but I guess you live and learn, right?

I did love you and I had build my world around you. I had envisioned me by your side for all eternity. My dreams those days were super beautiful. I had seen it all. I would almost shoot any other guy who dared to hit on me, lol. I would think,  ‘Can’t you see how I am glowing? Can’t you tell I’m in love?’ 🙂 I said it earlier, love can make you go a bit cray cray… I was committed to you, with all of me and so even when you lied to my face, I swallowed it. My 6th sense warned me but I would not listen. My fears were stronger. Even when you started seeing someone else, I was still trying to convince myself otherwise. The lies you were telling me of just being friends, I swallowed them, like a dutiful patient obeying doctor’s orders. I kinda hated myself for a while for being such a dumb ass but I guess we all get caught once or twice in our lives. 

I had broken up with you a million times but I always crawled back to you; to pick up like nothing had happened. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder; in my world, it made the mind think clearer. The slow communication and absence made me start thinking; for myself by myself. At first I stalked you on phone. With texts after texts of my missing you, which of course you did not reply. I cried and hurt like so bad I almost wanted the ground to open up and swallow me… I did not understand why you just went off the radar like that but well, life does not always give you all the answers you seek, right? It was painful, but I had to live through the pain. Thank God for amazing friends who tell it to your face as is if need be! My friend almost got a restraining order for me from my phone! lol

I would wake up and tell myself I would not text or call you. At first it was difficult; felt almost impossible and I would end up both texting and calling you but because I was determined, and I said it to myself over and over, it soon got easier. When I felt like texting or calling you, I would text or call my pal instead. I faked it until I made it and then one day… One day I woke up and I went through my day without even thinking about you. And I smiled. And then the next and the next and soon after, I was free from you. I wanted to pop some champagne and celebrate. But, I wanted to be sure that this time it would last and that I would not come crawling back to you and so I kept at it. I would tell myself how worthy I am of someone who would want to talk to me every day and who would love me so much that they would not know what to do with all that love. I started affirming myself and speaking positively about me. And the more positive I started seeing myself; the more I started appreciating myself and loving myself, the more you became a distant memory and before long, part of my history. Now I understood why my friends would tell me you did not deserve me. Well, because I am treasure and I need to be treated with TLC but you did not know that and you thought me any other ordinary stone. I cannot blame you though, I did not act like the treasure I am and you must have just gone with the flow…

Do not be fooled, I did hate you at some point; until I realized that it was only poisoning myself and that focusing on you made you more important than you really are. And so I stopped blaming you and started focusing on you. I realized also, that in hating you, I was still allowing you to control me and no that did not sit very well with me and so I decided that you was not worth even my hate. I stripped you of all my attention and gave it all back to me and woah, I cannot believe what I have been missing! I reconnected with the inner me and was reminded of the things that really do make me an awesome person!

I started spending more time with people who actually wanted to spend time with me; with people who enjoyed my company and valued my love and friendship. I spent time with people who think I am funny ( I don’t know why or how) but it makes me feel good when they say it and so, I guess I am funny. Lol. The more I surrounded myself with positive relationships, the more beautiful I become; inside and out and the more I blossomed and allowed myself to share my fragrance with those around me.

So thank you darling ex. Your exit from my life could just have been one of the best things to have happened to me and so, I cannot even hate you, though I wanted to because my Daddy, God, gave me beauty for ashes. All the tears you made me shed, he saved them and used them to water me to the awesome flower I am. You made me look deep within fro strength and love and acceptance and worth and I now know, no one else could have given it to me like I give it to myself (with the exception of God and my parents -but they don’t have a choice, my parents I mean). I am a better, wholesome person, thanks to the mud you dragged me through. I would have never gotten here if I had not passed through you, so thank you ex boyfriend. You just made and amazing woman of me for me and my future husband. Maybe we will just bring you a gift to say thanks, once we get married.

P/s: I knew it was totally over when you called me the other day and I felt nothing. It’s like a classmate calling to ask me what the assignment was! Life. 

All the best darling

xxx

Imperfectous

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