I am pretending.I am acting.Playing a role of someone I currently am not.I looked around and was like,everyone else has moved on,why not me?Why am I still holding on?But now I know why?The others were not the victims.They may have been shocked by the events but they were not the victims.I was and every time I look at this person I keep wondering why I am acting.Why I am pretending and I’ve just had about enough.Now,I do not mind cordiality but this whole pretending like everything is fine when my hear hasn’t yet healed is a lot of bull crap(excuse my language)and I’m done. Call me childish if you may but I have the right to.I am not angry,I just need to let this wound heal and care not about what everyone else thinks.
I have paid too much attention about what every one else thinks; about what every one else will say and I do not have the energy any more. I got betrayed and it hurt me.It hurt me real bad and I will not continue acting like it did not.And so I will drop the pretense and right at the top of it is not to give something dear to me simply because I care about what people will have to say.
I am not saying it is going to be an easy route but you know what, I am willing to take it.And for me not to loathe this people for the rest of my life,I will need some distance;some space from them to just be,without them.I really need to work on me.I’m just done or on the residues of being a people pleaser and on caring too much about what other people think.I’m tired and worn out and I want a new start and I will get it.
I just needed to say this.
Miss Adoyo 
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You can ask yourself whether or not you’re overreacting to the event or worrying to find a sense of control. And then you can accept that there is an alternative—you can choose to interpret the situation a different way, soothe yourself, and then feel something different. No one else causes our feelings. Only we can choose and change them.
Yep… Recovered or not (which I supposedly am), old habits die hard… and I’ve been acting like a loon.I was fine, doing my own thing, and then into my life walked this guy that I liked.It would have probably been okay if he hadn’t acted like he might have liked me… but he did… And then he found someone else to date… So I’ve been depressed… and won’t go to the gym, and I snap at him, and I keep trying to split him black, but subtley… It’s not fun if he doesn’t hurt… but he doesn’t care…What he does care about is when I tell him he’s not a real person… which I do almost daily…But for real… wtf…He’s never regretted a relationship, he’s built like a greek god statue, has no financial problems…He has no real life problems. People without problems aren’t real people, I’ve decided… It dawned on me today that I’m totally acting like a loon, though.Or a child… I’m probably acting like a child, because I wanted someone to like me, and he did but then didn’t, and his life is so mystically perfect… It didn’t help that my grandmother died in the middle of all of it. I wanted someone to tell me it was all going to be okay, and then it just wasn’t okay at all. I just keep shutting down, but I can’t live without emotion forever, I’m sure… I mean sooner or later I’ll just crash out, and then what?Told me shrink he says I’m normal, actually. I don’t feel normal, but he assures me things will be fine and that this is how a grieving period feels… even the part where I act like a vindictive child, because I still have strong BPD traits that come out. He thinks it’ll pass and I’ll be fine. Mom thinks I’ll acting like a normal person, too, but I think her view of normal has been skewed from years of dealing with me, really…I dunno that I’m looking for guidance… I’m just saying… I’m acting like a child… or a loon… And apparently, even normal do that… and recovereds… Odd.