I try to locate my heart as it somehow feels lost. I can’t get her. I can feel her deep longings and I can hear the confusion going on, but I cannot locate her. So I embark on a search journey.To try and see if the silent tears falling from her can lead me to where she is hiding because there is some sort of emptiness creeping inside me and I know locating my heart will help me know where exactly the problem is and where to start.
I find her staring at Da Vinci’s Monalisa painting. I stand beside her for a while,in silence,to make her aware of my presence without frightening her.And I too look at the famed paining.I find myself trying to figure out what Da Vinci was thinking while he painted the Monalisa and that smile,is it really a smile?I found myself getting drawn into it and I made a mental note to do some research on it’s history.
I looked at my heart and she seemed quite distant.I reached out my hand to touch her and she let me.She did not move.After a few minutes,we had a sit and she started talking.I did not have to coax her.I guess she had been wanting to speak up,only she needed to gather her thoughts first and now she was ready.I braced myself.
‘I have loved before.A number of times actually and it was all good while it lasted.Even after it ended,it never left me with bitterness;okay,maybe a bitter-sweet after taste but that’s better than all bitter,right? (not that she was really looking for affirmation)I suffered a major blow recently when someone I liked got caught up in some people’s malicious talks and it changed us,you know?It changed how we relate with each other and now it feels like walking in egg shells around him.There is something that was lost.I apologized profusely for the mess up.He said it’s okay but a spark had been lost and I keep wondering if we will ever get it back.He was one of the best things to have happened to me in a while and now,there’s just this cloud hanging over us and it’s pathetic really.And when I think that I am the one who is the cause.Because of sharing my excitement with people I thought were on my team who ended up blowing the story and with broken telephone…What reached him was terrible.I’m even surprised he is still talking to me.But you know,he has a big heart and I guess I am riding on his kindness…I miss him;I miss us but you know,it is what it is and no,I will not ask him any questions.I will let this river take its course albeit very hard.
I am lonely.I know it’s difficult for you to believe that because somehow I always seem to have a crowd about me,but yes,that’s the truth of the matter.I am quite lonely.It took a friend of mine for me to recognize this.He pointed it out and in being objective,I realized it was true.Know there is a way being in the crowd can lie to you that all is well.I guess it’s the euphoria,until you are in your bed and you are scrolling through your phone and somehow there is a disconnect with all these people.Somehow,they are friends but they feel distant.Like they are not really there and the one person who I can always count on is physically distant;my best friend,who is in Indiana.So somehow,I do not know what to do about this.I keep thinking that maybe getting me a boyfriend will solve this problem but I know that’s not the answer.The answer really lies within.They say when you think you need to be a relationship,don’t get into one.So I guess that’s not the path for me right now.Now I understand why my Pastor does not advocate for flirting because at first it’s just for fun but if it’s with specific peeps,you find yourself,I think naturally,hoping for me and that’s where it stops being fun and I end up all confused;like where I am now.And you know me and my curiosity and so I have been thinking of asking him if he thinks this could lead to something,even if not now,but no.I do not think I am ready to handle whatever response he will give,so I will just take a back seat with this one.I will pull out of the race and take my place on the side tracks.Again,another very difficult thing for me,but I will do it.I think I need to protect myself…
In short,I need to do me for now.I need to pick up some pieces that have been thrown all over by some recent occurrences and glue them back together before I can think of letting someone in.
(she sighs) I am also not fulfilled with what I am currently doing with myself.I am feeling like my brain cells are slowly dying daily.And I know I am not the most pro-active individual out there but I need more.I need more challenges.I need stuff that push me to the edge.I just need more.I kinda have an idea on how to go about this but it is a risk.And I am quite scared of letting go of the known for the unknown.I do not know what I will find there but I feel like it’s something I need to do.I will seek divine guidance on the matter,and ask for courage to follow my desire,for only that can bring me true fulfillment.So watch this space.New things may be coming your way…
Photos of you as a baby.So cute and I remembered mama and I felt this sweeping wave of love over me.I love her so very much and I pray to be successful enough to help her relax a bit and be able to provide for her certain things.It pains me when she complains or needs certain things and I cannot provide for her.She has given up so much for me that it breaks my heart.I love her and one of the prayers I have prayed forever is for God to sustain her and daddy,and me,long enough for them to walk me down the aisle and give me away to my Adam.
So you see,I have been a bit burdened lately but I didn’t really know how to say it all,so there you go.I hope together we can come up with some way to make a way out of this mess.’
Wow.I did not know my heart was so heavy and I guess now I have some work to do.
yours in heart,
3 thoughts on “confessions of the heart…”
When you say “I love you”, you are making a promise with someone else’s heart. Try to honor it.
I felt very sad about this realization. This a-ha moment felt like it hit a deeper level than when I discovered it a few years ago. A few years ago I came into the truth of seeing how deeply I feel things. Up until that point I believed the conditioned message that I was “too sensitive”, and that there was something weird about me for caring deeply for others (all living beings). I learned to shut down my inner truth so I would appear to be “like everyone else!” Sad. The other day I got to the deeper understanding of why I really needed to shut this side of me down. I was able to step back to see this as another way of protecting myself. I learned that when I show my true self-the one who is sensitive and compassionate and awake to others, most people could not meet me at that place in my heart. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and sometimes seeing someone else’s truth can make a person feel too vulnerable. I understand this reaction. So, why would I want to continue giving away my sacred inner truth to people who aren’t capable of really “seeing” me? In order to protect this part of me, I had to learn to shut it off.
sometimes just putting it out there makes the heart a bit lighter….