i woke up today,my mind full of questions.who am i?what do i stand for?what do i represent?what makes me unique from everyone else?
i have been a random person for a while now.some call it spontaneous,it really does not matter what you call it,for me,it has been an issue because i feel its not coming from a sincere spontaneous place.for me it has been a missing link.it hit me that most of the things i do,are not because i really want to do them but because i think they will make others view me in a certain way;maybe give me some importance or identity?and at the end of the day,i still am empty,for i cannot lie to myself.my conscience reminds me of what exactly i am supposed to be doing and the feeling of un fulfillment threatens to drown me.
in my heart i have it all figured out.what i want.what i believe.what i should represent and stand for.but that is not reflected in the decisions and choices i make and hence people don’t really know the real me but the me that i want them to know and this me is inspired by them and not in a nice way.it is brought about by me compromising so that i can fit in;so that i don’t look too different.i think my inner person is saying enough is enough.no more of this.i need to move on.
this has insecurity splashed all over it.and speaking of which,a lot of people do not understand why i would have a body image issue but i do.i do not cry over it or anything but i think my bust size is a tad too small for my age.thank God for my guy because he always reassures me that i am fine and he loves me as but i still find myself very conscious about it oh and i was blessed with a bum!so i get scared that maybe i look a bit not proportional.and i tell myself how beautiful i am and all but my bust is the one thing that i have not been able to do a ‘whatever’ on but i think i wanna do that.i think i have fussed enough over it and somehow it limits me in some ways but you know what,enough is enough.as long as i am healthy,which i am,well,i do not have to fit into the world’s idea of a perfect body because we all know there is nothing like that.i will speak to myself positively concerning this issue until the day i will be comfortable with my bust as is 100%
facing one’s insecurities aint the easiest of things but there has got to be a moment in time when you will have to do just that if you want to live a free life,with little or no pressures.a time for you to face your fears head on and not hide from them,because the more you do that,the more they become real to you;the more they reign over you.
i do not know what it is that you are insecure about or what it is you fear.for me it is the need to be relevant and acceptable that has led me to live a mediocre life.the need of being liked by everyone and of being in everyone’s good list.but i am done.i am through.and i have quit so many times but i will keep at it until the day i will be entirely free from it all.and this will only happen by me speaking positively into my life.by me deciding what it is that defines me;what it is i believe in;what it is i stand for and to stand my ground on these and not allow myself to be swayed by what everyone else thinks or says.to be independent of the world’s opinion.
writing always is my therapy so… hope this will help you get real with yourself and make some changes if need be.