I sit down to write this letter and my pen trembles in my fingers as my whole body seems to shake.My heart and soul seem to know that the moment the pen and paper get into contact,the beginning of the end will start and the two are not very sure they want to go down that path.They are not sure if they are ready to go separate ways from him.They saw it coming but it always seemed so far;there seemed to be room for reconciliation and so hope upon hope they did.Though every morning and every night the answer was the same,they still did not want to read the signs.But now,it’s as clear as blue skies that the end is inevitable and he seems to have moved on and it is time for my heart and soul to do the same,but it scares them so.Against all my will,I make the first contact and they both scream as they know that there is no turning back….
As much as i hate to admit this to myself,this is probably the last letter I am writing to you. Ok,not probably but most definitely.It is the last time I will think of you passionately and refer to you as my dearest.This is going to be hard.I wish I could wish it all away and get amnesia whenever it comes to you,but you know what,it is what it is and it is long over due.
I remember the first time we met.I was such a nervous wreck.We were introduced by a friend and I asked some silly questions for I knew not how to break the ice. You proved to be a cool guy though and soon enough it was like we had known each other for ages. Thank God for face book because well, it isn’t as transparent as calling a guy the following day after your first meeting.You send a friend request,which may take a day or two to be accepted and voila! a connection is somehow made and as they say,the rest becomes history.I was not sure how you would react when you saw my friend request but the next time I checked my face book page,I saw,’friend request accepted’. An instant smile appeared on my face.We met online and we chatted and I found myself looking forward to face book because somehow,I had proven you were an addict.A deep friendship quickly grew and we arranged for our first date.
It was not anything fancy as I remember,with a smile. A movie at your place with chicken peri peri pizza for lunch.Having you sitting next to me,the butterflies in my stomach were having a field day!When you put your arm around me like it was the most natural thing for you to do.Electric waves went down my spine but after a while,I felt comfortable and I relaxed.When you escorted me home later in the evening and planted a soft,light kiss on my lips,I felt the heavens open and the angels sing.This was the beginning of a relationship that was never made official.
No,we were not boyfriend and girlfriend.At least we never referred to each other as such but the bond was so strong between us and it was our little secret.It felt like if we let anyone else know,it would spoil the somewhat perfection we had found in each other.And so we kept off the titles and simply enjoyed one another’s company.
I recall with nostalgia,the long talks we would have every night before we closed our eyes only to meet in dreamland and pick up where we left(just kidding). But we always seemed to be intertwined even though we were not together;or maybe it ws just me.Maybe I was the one who was totally smitten by you. Maybe I was all alone in this boat,with my imaginations seeming so alive that I never noticed that in reality you weren’t there. But when I reached for you,I would find you.I would touch you.I do not know where my reality stopped and my fantasy began.They all seemed to be one and the same.
After a while though,I noticed the calls reduced and the meetings also were rare.You had become too busy and you rarely had time for us.I wondered why it bothered me so much yet at first I was ok with meeting whenever was possible.Then one morning it dawned on me,I had fallen in love with you!We had not discussed it.Had not forbidden it but something deep inside told me this was wrong.Me loving you was wrong,simply because you would never be mine.(I did not know this at the time;that you wouldn’t be mine i mean). I loved you,with everything that was in me and with every passing second,that love seemed to grow stronger and stronger,yet you seemed to be slipping away further and further.
You became my addiction.I thought of you every waking moment and when I closed my eyes,I dreamed about you. I try calling but you never picked. I tried face book but somehow you were never on line and when you were, you always were too busy to say anything more than ‘hallo’. With every failed attempt at communicate with you a piece of my heart broke and it hurt so bad as I loved you so. Why did I not take caution?But how do you?How do you tell your heart not to love?If you know how,please tell me the formula,for you seemed to manage well.
You became aloof and every second I felt you slipping away from me and I tried holding on with all I could. I even became a stalker I think, with texts left, right and centre.But it’s like you had become resistant to me;it’s like you had become immune to me.Nothing I did or said moved you and when we would meet in public places,you acted like everything was ok.I could not believe it.With all these, I still hoped that somehow you would wake up and realize how empty your life was without me and that you would run to my arms but that was just a distant dream.I became a pest to you I think and it hurt me so as I remembered our first times together.I was holding on to them like my very existence depended on them.I think for a while it did.My love for you and your rejection of it had worn me out and I was weak….
I was in a fantasy world for a while.Seeing you and I together,happy.Until I saw the photos and it was like a hard slap across my face.You were looking at her with eyes that glowed and that smile literally lit up the place you were at.The way you held her,it broke me apart!Those arms!that smile!that look!They belong to me..belonged.The reality sank in forcefully and it hurt so much.I told myself I would not cry.Told myself I would not miss you.But I did both.I wept!And I missed you terribly that I got love sick..How could life be so cruel.For a while,I hated you or so I thought.But after a while,I realized it was not hatred,it was just a wounded soul weeping and blaming you for it.
You never did tell me to fall in love with you,I just did.No one to blame there, right?That’s just life.Well,I hated you,I mourned you and finally,with one last look at that photo of you with her,I let you go.With a smile and tear…I let you go.It has been a long journey and I wish I hadn’t traveled it but you know what,I am the better for it.I have learned a lot but my favorite mantra,I will not cry coz it ended,I will smile coz it happened.I will hold on to the good and discard the bad memories.I choose to remember you with the good memories.
So to you that my soul and heart loved and loved to love,good bye.I wish you all the happiness in the world because I got to know that heart inside and it is beautiful.I hope that she treats you well because if not she will have me to answer to.Lol.I will miss you but I know one day I will wake up and a distant beautiful memory you’ll be.I know it will get easier with time and the next time I meet you ( hopefully a long time from now),I will be able to look you in the eye,say hallo,maybe even give you a peck on the cheek,and smile at you and not wish that I was the one in your arm.Until then,my love,may life treat you kindly and fairly and may love never ever escape you. I wish you all the happiness and that you will never cry,unless its tears of joy but not from a broken heart.
I loved you truly.Part of me possibly always will but it’s time now.It’s time for me to say good bye and let you go.To set you free and let you be.And as i put a full stop to this letter,then I put a full stop to what you and I were.To what you and I have been through.It is the end.
Till we meet again my love….
160 thoughts on “My love…my last letter…”
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